Repairing Your Relationship After Infidelity
The betrayal of infidelity can evoke anger, contempt, sadness, disgust, and fear. You may be at a loss, not knowing how you’ll ever trust your loved one again. As the offending partner, acknowledging and taking responsibility for the pain you caused, identifying what led to the affair, and rebuilding trust through concrete action is essential to developing a sense of safety and reconnection with your partner.
Betrayal & Distrust
Being on the receiving end of infidelity can be an earth-shattering, painful experience. You may be having conflicting thoughts about whether to separate; you may even be having thoughts of cheating to get back at them, or perhaps you’re consumed with distressing thoughts and images of your partner engaged in the sexual act with someone else. These are all common reactions to experiencing the painful betrayal of infidelity. Because your trust was violated, you might be emotionally and physically distancing yourself from your partner. That kind of distancing makes sense, as it’s a way to protect yourself from potentially being hurt again and communicating nonverbally to you partner, the pain they caused. Gone unaddressed, anger, resentment, and contempt can build even greater over time. This can create further distance and lead to conflicts or volatility in the relationship. You may feel at a loss, not knowing if you will ever trust your partner or have loving feelings for them again.
If you cheated and lied in your relationship, you may be wrestling with deep feelings of regret, guilt, or shame and have been unsuccessful in all of your attempts to create a space for your partner feel safe and trust you again. Perhaps you are terrified of losing your partner and carrying a great deal of anxiety about the relationship. Alternatively, you may have been feeling distant from your loved one, had unmet needs, or questioned the relationship long before you had the affair. If you hope to stay in your relationship, couples therapy offers you the opportunity to take responsibility for the harm you caused, express sincere empathy and support for your partner in new ways, learn more about yourself, and how to potentially rebuild trust in your relationship.
Rebuilding Trust & Safety
The most important aspect of working through infidelity is to begin to repair trust in the relationship. In couples therapy, it’s vital that the offending partner take ownership of the pain they caused their loved one through active listening, empathizing with their partner, and making concrete changes to their life that provide real reassurance to their loved one. By empathizing with the anger, sadness, fear, and distrust your loved one may be going through, it will be easier to accept that it may take time for your partner to trust you again. The more you understand your partner, without defensiveness, the more patient you will be in honoring and respecting the firm boundaries your loved one sets with you.
Another aspect of couples therapy is to identify what was happening internally for the partner(s) who cheated. Was there a need that wasn’t being met or wasn’t being communicated in the relationship? A fear of commitment that the offending partner was running away from? Identifying the underlying cause that led to the cheating is vital to helping the individual gain self-awareness, work on their internal conflicts, communicate needs in the relationship, and develop secure attachment bonds with their loved one.