Sex and Intimacy Issues
There may be underlying issues in the relationship that make it difficult for you to feel intimate and close with your partner. Overtime, the lack of intimacy can create new tensions and anxieties in your relationship. Practicing self-compassion and extending grace to one another often alleviates any pressure associated with sex and intimacy. As sex becomes less about “performance” and more about enjoying one another, expressing your emotional, romantic, and sexual needs becomes an important step in reigniting that spark.
Emotional Distance, Avoidance, & Fear
There can be a variety of reasons why couples struggle with maintaining their preferred sex life in their relationship. Medication side effects, past trauma, fear of intimacy, erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety, stress, body dysmorphia, relationship conflict, or feeling emotional distant from your partner. Lack of intimacy can put a strain of couples. You may be feeling guilt or shame, or feel as though you’re not enough for your partner. Couples may fall into conflictual patterns of blaming or resenting each other for not initiating or engaging sexually. All of these issues can create immense pressure and rigid expectations around sex which can increasingly make it difficult to feel safe and vulnerable being intimate with your partner.
Rebuilding Emotional Safety & Sexual Intimacy
In couples therapy, the first step is to gain an understanding of what’s contributing to your intimacy issues. It’s common for couples to come to therapy with questions about how they can sexually satisfy their partner or express their sexual desires and needs in the relationship. While this level of communication is a vital aspect of fostering intimacy, there are often underlying issues in the relationship that must be worked through or resolved. During the initial stages of therapy, we assess for any challenges contributing to diminished sexual activity by first ruling out medical concerns such as hormonal changes or medication side effects. If medical concerns have been ruled out, we identify potential fears, anxieties, stressors, or preoccupations that may be contributing to a lack of intimacy.
In therapy you’ll learn new ways to communicate support, compassion, and empathy for your partner and to also practice self-compassion. Treating you and your partner with grace at every step of this process is essential. You will also learn effective ways to express your emotional, romantic, and sexual wants/needs in the relationship. An important goal is to work together on alleviating the pressure you may be putting on yourselves (or inadvertently, on each other). One way we approach this is to work on changing your relationship with intimacy by shifting focus away from “performance” goals toward being more present with your loved one and having fun in the bedroom. Taking ownership of what feels pleasurable and safe for you and placing priority on your partner by exploring new ways to meet their sexual wants/needs is another way to take the pressure off yourself. Lastly, you will learn relaxation exercises and coping skills to assist you in managing anxiety/stress so that you can gain more of an intimate connection and closeness over time.